Friday, January 3, 2014

You Totes Need to Read This Post Because I Am Adorbs.

I know, right? Copyright ME 2014 - because I'll cut a bitch if you steal it.
A few days ago, I was reading a blog post about developing self confidence....or maybe I was watching free porn....I forget...Anyway, I came across an article from HuffPo about the shit I supposedly no longer supposed to say now that I am over 30. And by "now," I mean that I'm 35.

The article, which you can read for yourself, states that there are 7 deadly sins of speech for anyone over age 30 or people who have mortgages and jobs with benefits. Obviously the author has missed the last few years in this country, because I think the latter two criteria cut out half of her age group. Things one must not say over age 30:

"I know, right?"


"Cray or Cray-Cray."
"I will cut you. I will cut a bitch."

I know, right? What is up with people telling other people what to write or say these days? It's totes on my Facebook feed People who whine about the grammar of others. People who cry over the use of hashtags. People who are unbelievably agry about cats with poor spelling and sentence structure. The, "thou shalt not write this or that," commands are totes all the rage these days. And I get it. Sometimes bad grammar and spelling makes things hard to read. My cats are, in fact, personally offended that the world seems the think they don't haz good grammerz. Hashtags give me seizures. No really - someone posts a picture of their kids and there are 597858975894834 hastags with it that may or may not have a damn thing to do with the picture - #lovethiskid #shehasanewshirt #kids #mommylove #thisisapicture #hellnotoGMO #mytaintburns #oatmeal #mickeymouse #kungfu #what #what. I don't have Instagram, so I'm not in the hashtag loop. I find it odd and slightly annoying, but that feeling goes away after 0.0004 seconds as I scroll down to the next picture of a cat wearing hipster glasses and a mustache. It's not that I don't get the annoyance with reading out of place words, hash tags, silly words, made up shit, etc. I just don't get the constant obsession these days with pointing it out and attempting to correct it. And the shaming. It's not like people are casually mentioning that a misspelled hashtag is annoying now and then. It's everyday. Every hour. I know that the sun won't set one my news feed without at least 5 or 6 self-righteous  memes, posts, status updates, what have you raging on the latest grammar faux pas. That's more annoying than a bad grammar cat meme with 52 nonsensical hashtags attached to it.

This article just annoyed me. Maybe I am bitter that the HuffPo has become ultra fluff lately. Or maybe I'm just over people saying what you can or can not do just because you belong to this class of people, are that gender, or you're this age. Telling people (typically women) they cannot do things because they are over 30 is so trite and totally something you'd find in a 1997 issue of Redbook. Ooooh, don't wear skirts above the knee. Don't wear skirts below the knee. Don't wear sparkly purple shoes with bright pink socks. Don't say totes. It's totes annoying. There are bigger issues in the world - I mean, there are people who really believe that reality TV is actually real. That's a real issue and it's cray. Completely cray. Or maybe I'm the cray cray one and I'm taking this too seriously. Yeah, that's probably it.

Besides, the author used the words, "flotsam and jetsam." Ew. Who even says that in day to day conversation? Those are the after products of coitus. Look it up in a Webster if you don't believe me.

I say all of those things, except for "feels," which I have never heard in the manner referenced in the article. I'm an intelligent woman. Sometimes I act rather mature. Sometimes, I fart at the dinner table and declare such butt utterance, "amazeballs." Vernacular changes with time. We adopt new words. Some of those words stick. Some of those words are merely trendy and fade away with the latest one hit wonder. Some people just plain don't give a shit and say what they feel, be it in the Queen's English or in the dialect of a typical 15 year old glued to her iPhoney - even when they're over 30. It's fun to make fun of it, but some people take it way too seriously. Kinda like I'm taking the whole article too seriously....but I'm having fun with it. And now I'm rambling. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if we say "amazeballs" or "amazing", "cray" or "crazy", "I'd rather enjoy gutting that vile person" or "I'll cut a bitch." All that matters is that we treat each other with love. Or some feel good shit like that.

Yes, I do realize that I am complaining about people who complain about what other people say by complaining about what those people say. It's totes not lost on me. I'm just poking fun.

But I will cut a bitch who disagrees with me. Since I'm totes adorbs, no one will suspect me.

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