Nursing in Public: Something That Doesn't Make Headlines

In our little online world, we often hear about nursing in public in two ways: 1.) How to do it without a wardrobe malfunction and 2.) stories of harassment for doing it. There's plenty to say about nursing bras, nursing tops, altering your wardrobe so you don't have to buy specialty stuff. And there is more than plenty to say about women being harassed in public. It happens nearly everyday. It can be a small moment where a passerby makes a rude remark and keeps on walking. It can be the ignorant comments often found on blogs and articles about breastfeeding - "I totally support nursing, but women need to be discreet about it." It could be something much bigger, such as an actual business telling a mother that she is not allowed to breastfeed in public within their walls. You literally cannot throw a nursing pad without hitting a story about a mother who has been harassed in some way shape or form. I have addressed the issue of the rights of mothers to nurse their babies in public without harassment several times myself.

However, there is something we hear about far less - something that doesn't get a lot of attention. Happy experiences. Yeah yeah, some times a blogger, myself included, will ask women to share their happy nursing in public experiences on their page. It does happen, but not as often as I would like.

I just want to simply tell mothers that many women have nursed in public without a single dirty look or rude comment. It's not always a horror fest of ignorant comments. You are not always on the defensive. I am one of those mothers. I nursed my son for 3 years. I nursed him in public whenever he had the need. I have been nursing my daughter for 18 months now and she shows no signs of slowing down. She, too, has been nursed in public whenever the need arises. I have nearly 5 years of combined nursing in public experience and I have not had one single bad comment. I have never been asked to cover up, to move, to leave. My first time nursing in public was when my son was 4 days old. He began to scream and turn bright red with his furious hunger in the waiting room of the pediatrician's office. Being a new mom, I was a little nervous and wasn't as graceful with manipulating my clothing, my bra, my baby, his blanket. I remember trying to cover him just for a few moments as he latched on. That did not go over well. People looked at me, but more because my son was obviously screaming from hunger and not because they were shocked to see a woman nurse in public. And that was the last time I felt nervous.

I have had the opposite of negative attention. I have gotten compliments and smiles. I have had strangers walk by and say, "I miss feeding my babies," or "That is just the best thing in the world." Not too long ago, I stood in line in Toys 'r' Us and the cashier and two customers noticed me standing there nursing Squishy. The cashier smiled at her. One of the customers commented that it was just so nice to not have to carry bottles and bags and just feed whenever and wherever. The other customer and cashier agreed. And then they gushed over the infant nursing on my breast.

Those moments happen, too.

For what's it's worth, I have nursed in some of the big offenders when it comes to businesses harassing mothers. I have nursed in every aisle and department of Target. I nursed at Applebees. I have nursed at the YMCA. I'm out and about everyday and I have a long list of places where I have nursed easily without issues.

We don't see news articles proclaiming, "Mother nurses baby in public, while shopping in the shoe department of Sears. Several customers notice and smile and carry on with their shopping."  It's not because it's a rare occurrence, but it's because positivity doesn't always sell. You don't always hear about the woman in the coffee shop, who is told to please make herself comfortable while they get her order and they'll bring her coffee to her while she is nursing. You don't always hear about the waiter who brings an extra glass of water for the mom nursing at one of his tables because he has heard that nursing moms need to drink more. We don't always notice the nice old ladies with blue hair who walk by with a smile and a happy sigh while your nursing your baby and pushing your shopping cart at the grocery store. The grocery clerk who goes out of his way to help you carry your bags out to the car so you can keep nursing without carrying extra stuff never makes the headlines. These people exist.

There is no denying that we still have work to do when it comes to educating the public about breastfeeding and help others to understand that nursing in public is a right and there is nothing wrong with it. We're working on it. Change for the better will happen.

I just wanted to take this small moment to reassure new mamas who may be scared of nursing in public because they hear all of these stories about harassment. You don't have to go out there expecting that you'll need to defend yourself for feeding your baby everyday. I want you to know that there are so many times when it goes perfectly and the only attention you get is a smile or a mother of grown children reminiscing of when she nursed her babes on a bench at the mall. Remember, you are taking a stand even when you quietly nurse your baby at a table in the food court. Even if you don't get a smile or a comment, someone will notice. And that someone might be a mom-to-be who saw how comfortably you sat there while feeding your baby. She'll think to herself, "I can do that, too." There may be a young man who sees you and learns that boobs have several functions and it's fine for a woman to use them to feed her baby in public. You may get noticed by a younger girl, years away from having her own children, who doesn't even realize that she was exposed to a normal way of feeding babies. You made it look normal and natural and, while she may not realize it at the time, a little seed will be planted somewhere in the back of her brain, quietly waiting until the day she blooms with new life and realizes, "hey, I can do that, too." So rock on with your publicly nursing self!

Attachment Parenting Communities: In Need of Repair

When I first read Conscience Parenting's blog about being over the Attachment Parenting community, I was all, "YOU GO GIRL!" Then, I read some responses on various pages and in my groups and I felt a little ticked at the blog - like she was maybe throwing all of us AP folks under the bus with the loonies. I also read a wonderful counter by Evolutionary Parenting that I also agree with. Now, I am back my YOU GO GIRL response to the original piece.

I have read a lot of butthurt in the past 24 hours since I discovered the post. People are taking what she wrote very personally. In a way, I understand that. Most of us are very passionate about our parenting and it can be hard to read anything negative. However, she isn't attacking the philosophy of attachment parenting. She is not attacking those of us who practice this method yet are open and accepting of those who parent differently. She is speaking of a very real problem in the AP community. You will find extremism in every forum about every subject everywhere online. We focus on the AP issue here because this is something that's part of our lives. I think we have all seen it. Parents who attacks others who don't believe in the same philosophy. Lactivists who bash the hell out of formula feeders. Intactivists who think ANYONE who circumcises their child - despite the fact that they didn't even have the proper information - should have their children taken away. Babywearers who think even a minute in the stroller will turn your child into an unattached zombie. Co-sleepers who think the mere thought of placing a baby in a crib for a few hours will cause low SAT scores. Cloth diaper fanatics who think even one disposable diaper automatically sets your kid up for ass cancer. Gentle discipliners who think the slightest raise of your voice will turn your child into a sociopath. We've seen it. We know it's out there. It's happened in the comments on most pages. It's happened on this page. It's happened to me. I was bashed on a local AP group for stating that I would use a stroller from time to time on really long walks. Bashed. As if that one act would undo every other AP moment. We know this contingent exists and we know they give us all a bad name. We know they are the reason we are viewed as crazy.

I agree that there is a level of fanaticism on some pages. The worship of certain bloggers does exist. And there are most definitely bloggers who seem to require that you agree lockstep with everything they say and any voice of dissent will be banished. That's real. Hey, it's their page so they are free to accept who they wish and preach what they wish, but that doesn't mean they speak for all of us and we know that those voices sometimes give us a bad name.

I have been called a troll. Your very own beloved Funky Little EarthChild has been called a troll. I have had the terrible audacity to suggest that I do not agree with every nurse-in that has been held. I was told point blank that I moved the whole women's movement back on that one and somehow my thoughts were equal to hating the Civil Rights movement. I have the ridiculous notion that bashing formula feeders and calling them lazy bad mothers won't win hearts and that breastfeeding advocates would do better to treat them kindly.I obviously hate breastfeeding because I suggested that you can be a good breastfeeding advocate even if you don't march, don't nurse-in, don't post photos and don't speak the loudest. And let's not even mention the shitstorm I once provoked by stating that unassisted birth isn't for everyone. That's a real pearl clutcher right there. All of those things have earned me a troll title at some point or another. There are some big time bloggers - including ones that you all love (and that's okay) - who have privately shit talked me - ME - to the extreme. This is just another extension of the high school mean girl club and I totally understand why someone like Conscience Parenting is disillusioned by it all.

As I said, there has been a bit of butthurt and misunderstanding of the intent of Conscience Parenting's original post. Don't worry - I went there, too, for a few moments last night after I read it. She is not saying that Attachment Parenting is bad. She is not trying to start a war between any groups. And there is no "page war" between Conscience Parenting and Evolutionary Parenting. She is trying to shed the light on a very real problem in this community. This is a wonderful method of parenting. It's the way it should be. However, there are some nasty extremists with some very loud voices who bring negative attention and so we all get stuck under the same "they're crazy judgmental nazis" umbrella. Many have been judged and hurt for not being 100% AP and not doing things "the right way." Some people can let that roll off their back. Others are more affected and may feel isolated by those they originally trusted. This is the crap that people see. It's the stuff that gets the most attention. Is that wrong? Yes! But that's the way it is and it's what pushes many away from attachment parenting.

This is the part where I go on a different path than Conscience Parenting. She is doing what works best for her and her family. If she does not want to fully associate herself with this community, then she should not be forced to do so. She should not be criticized for doing something that she feels is the best for her. Obviously, the fighting and the judging affects her spirit in a negative way and she wants to distance herself from that. I respect and honor that. She's not giving up this type of parenting for her family, she's taking a step back from some of the extremism. She knew this would cause a virtual poo-storm and that she'd be criticized for it, but she spoke up anyway. That's important and admirable. And while I have had similar misgivings about the attachment community - and I don't even label myself an Attachment Parent because this is simply the way I was raised and it felt normal for me - I have decided to be one of the voices that will speak loud enough with my words and actions to drown out the crazies. Judging a mama for formula feeding? Bashing someone for using Huggies? Giving the evil eye to an exhausted mother who raised her voice? I'll let people know that we're not all like you. I want to see more babies with attached parents. I want to see more breastfeeding. More cloth diapering. I want more gentle discipline. I want genital integrity for all babies. I want to see an end to Crying It Out. I want to see more baby wearing. I just won't shame others while I spread my message. I won't tell people they are bad parents because they are not like me. I won't call them lazy. We're all welcome to express our opinions, but if you try to use words or actions to hurt other parents and to shame them into becoming a super attachment parent just like you, I'll probably lose a little respect for you.  Oh, yes, I know us attachment parents have been judged. We know what it's like to have to defend our choices on a daily basis. And that's no reason to do it to others. Isn't that what we teach our children?

The truth is that many of us who fall under the attachment parenting category want to see a better world for our children. We want children to be loved and respected. We come from a place of very good intentions. Some of us are louder than others. Some of us have made mistakes in our journey. There are some who give us a bad name for various reasons, but the majority of us are good and welcoming. We need to realize that we are a good group of people, but there are kinks in our armor that need to be fixed. That's not a bad thing. Knowing there are some problems gives us a chance to look within, make the necessary repairs and march on - shining even brighter.

Second Class

Folks, I'm pissed. I'm so pissed, that I have just sat down to write a quickie little blog about it right here. I'm so pissed, that I pushed my lunch aside so that I can type this out. And it's a good lunch - steak and onions. It'll wait.

I just read an article that I found from Momma Trauma about a young mother, a teenager in high school, named Jaielyn Belong. Jaielyn gave birth to a baby boy and would like to return to high school to finish her education and graduate. She is currently enrolled at Lake Forest High School, which is located in Felton, Delaware. Jaielyn is breastfeeding her son and would like to be able to pump at some point during her school day between classes. The school is denying her request, stating that the pump would be too noisy and that there is no where to store the milk. According to the nurse, the fridge is only for medicine. Hello, ass, breastmilk IS medicine. School employees told her that she'd have to nurse before school and then wait until she got home to feed him again. No pumping at school. According to the article, they won't even budge if Jaielyn brings in a doctor's note.

Please read the full article on the Momma Trauma website:

Delaware Teen Mom Denied Breastfeeding Accomodations

I personally believe that teenage mothers are a class of people that our society feels is perfectly acceptable to discriminate against. Teen mothers are treated as subhumans from the conception of their children to the birth and then beyond. They are treated as if they are stupid, classless, useless, slutty, immoral whores who are nothing but parasites and black marks on our society. I don't give two fucks what your religion says or what your morals dictate, teen mothers are still human beings and should be treated as such. This situation here is a prime example of why we have far to go in our treatment of teen mothers.


We all know that breastfeeding is the normal way to feed a baby. We are aware of the mountain of health benefits that come with breastfeeding, both for the mother and the child. We all know there are risks to not breastfeeding. But did you know that teenage mothers are more unlikely to breastfeed than there adult counterparts? Only about half of teenage mothers will attempt to breastfeed their babies at birth, but that number drops to 19% by 6 months post partum. There are several reasons for this such as the lack of support, lack of breastfeeding education, social stigmas and - what's that? - the return to school. There has been a desire among health officials and breastfeeding professionals and advocates in this country to increase the numbers of teen mothers who breastfeed. And here we have a mother who is perfectly willing to do so, yet her school is standing in her way.


You know, one of my very first experiences as a "breastfeeding counselor" came when I was a teenager - assisting and counseling a teen mother who wanted to breastfeed. I know quite a few women who became mothers as teens and who specifically like to work with teenage moms to provide them with the education and support to successfully breastfeed their children.

Out of all the girls who will drop out of high school, one third of them do so because they become pregnant. Only 40% of teenage mothers continue on and graduate from high school. These are dismal statistics. Unacceptable. Work must be done - and is being done - to ensure that these young women can have the resources to continue their educations and graduate from high school. And, and look here, we have a young mother who wants to do just that, yet her school is setting up road blocks.

We know what Jaielyn will go through if her school succeeds in bullying her into leaving the pump at home. It means she will go 8 hours without nursing or pumping. It means she will be at an increased risk for developing plugged ducts or mastitis. By the way, a good case of mastitis can knock her off her ass and leave her sick at home - missing school! It means her milk production is at risk of dropping. Would she have to supplement? Supplement can lead to even more of a supply drop. Why should her baby miss out? We also know that babies who are breastfed are less likely to develop illness, including ear infections or colds. Yes, we all have anecdotal evidence of a formula fed baby who never gets sick or a breastfed baby who gets repeat ear infections. However, the evidence is clear that breastfed babies are less likely to become sick. So, if we increase her baby's chances of getting sick, it means Jaielyn will have to stay home to tend to her baby and make doctor visits. More missed school. How is that fair to Jaielyn? How is that fair to her little boy?

The school says she might get bullied or teased if allowed to pump. Are you out of your goddamned mind? Newsflash: you are supposed to protect the bullied, not the bully. How about not tolerating bullying in your school? How about teaching your students that crap like that will not be allowed? Way to blame the victim. Perhaps we should send them some information on anti-bullying school policies and bring them up to 2013. 

This is discrimination. This is a civil rights issue. This is a human rights issue. Jaielyn has rights and so does her baby. Just because she is a teen mom doesn't mean she is any less capable of making the best decisions she can for her child. It doesn't mean she should be treated like she is the inconvenience. Her school should be thrilled that she wants to return. Maybe there is a tax break in it for them. :::eyeroll::: As for the pumps beinig disturbing to her peers. Please, as if there isn't a location anywhere in the school where she can pump in relative privacy. And, have you been to a high school? There is plenty of noise to be had. A mother pumping for her child should be among the least of their concerns.

She should not have to wait a year to return to school. She should not have to find a new school. She should not have to be homeschooled. This mother has chosen to return to her school and the school needs to buck up and let her pump. I promise them, it won't ruin the precious young psyches of the other students. If anything, it'll show them what responsibility looks like. 

If you'd like to take action, please visit the Momma Trauma blog linked above and stay updated on the situation. Pass that link around to everyone. Facebook it. Tweet it. You can call the school and leave messages. You can also email the school.

School nurse: dmblades@lf.k12.de.us
Dean of Students: chmorris@lf.k12.de.us
Principal: jfilicicchia@lf.k12.de.us
Assistant Principal: twmorris@lf.k12.de.us and jdberry@lf.k12.de.us

Lake Forest High School
302-284-9291
   
 Supposedly, the high school had a Facebook page that has now been taken down. I guess thy couldn't handle to comments. 

If you are planning to contact the school, I urge you to remain respectful. If we get nasty, sarcastic and rude with them it will just push them away. This is a frustrating situation from every angle, but we have to remain calm in reasonable when in contact with these folks. Otherwise, they will brush us off as "crazy hippies" and progress won't be made. There is a chance to make some positive change here, let's not ruin it with anger. I'm pissed about this, you're pissed about this and lots of other people on the internetz are pissed about this. That is more than understandable and it's fine to vent on our pages, twitter and Facebook. It's so frustrating that we are still fighting these fights in 2013. However, any contact with representatives of the school should be courteous and respectful. 

UPDATE: The Superintendent wrote his own blog post regarding this situation, which you can find here. He states that students may pump at school, though there are no specific accommodations (such as a designated room) and that students are responsible for their own cooler and storage. He also notes that the district has an alternative school where teen parents may bring their children and breastfeed or pump there. He notes that a teen mother who chooses to leave the alternative school and return to Lake Forest, "also chooses to leave behind a certain level of support." While I am happy to see that there is a possibility she can pump at school, that last comment about choosing to leave behind a level of support is a bit harsh. It shows that they really aren't interested in being helpful to this new mother. As I said earlier in the blog, there are alternatives to this school. She can do online charter, homeschooling or she can attend this alternative school. Personally, I would rather attend a school where I can bring my baby and remain all attached and in contact. That would be my choice. It's not up to me to make the choice for Jaielyn, however. It is up to no one but Jaielyn herself - and she has chosen to return to the regular high school. She should be supported in that choice and they shouldn't being throwing down roadblocks that would make it more difficult for her. 

My sources for teen breastfeeding rates and teen mother drop out rates:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3197474/
http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/pdf/teen-preg-hs-dropout.pdf 

Written while nursing my sleepy little girl....

Will The Real Real Woman Please Stand Up?

Real woman? Sure. Classy Lady? Definitely.

What does a real woman look like? Is she tall and thin, like a supermodel, with small perky breasts and a small waist? Is she short and curvy with plenty of flesh, including ample breasts and hips? Is she in between? Maybe she is about 5'4" with some muscle, some fluff, a little boobage and enough butt to fill out her jeans. Maybe she is all of those. Or none of those. Or some of those.

Our society and media values a woman who is a bit on the tall side, quite a bit on the slender side and big-boobed. You can't throw a  Weight Watchers point without it landing on some article, blog or show dedicated to the problem of women working too hard to become too perfect.

The Golden Globe Awards were held a few nights ago. I missed them this time, but I tried to keep up with them online. I haven't seen a real move in the theaters in quite some time and I haven't a clue about most people, movies or shows nominated, but I sure do love me some super fancy dresses. I just love the glitz and glamor. Of course the internetz were abuzz with news of who won, who lost, who wore what and all of that juicy Hollywood bullcrap. I perused online to see pictures of all of the lovely ladies in their gorgeous (J-Lo!) and what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking (Helena) gowns and the dowdy pantsuit (Amy - wtf?). Twitter, Facebook, blogs, fashion sites were full of comments from us little people judging and praising all of the fashion. One thing stood out the most because it seemed to be mentioned the most at the time was the comparison of two new moms - Claire Danes and Adele. Both have recently had babies. Both have different bodies.

Claire Danes, who I will never forgive for quitting "My So-Called Life" and taking away my favorite show (and Jordan Catalano), looks very slender and trim. She looks pretty much as she always does, though her dress had this geometric panel on the front that can hide her figure a bit. My first thought was, "oooooh, that's a glamorous nursing panel."

Adele, who I adore, looked like Adele. She's curvy and full as always. Personally, her dress wasn't my favorite, but she looked beautiful in it.




Many comments praised Claire Danes for losing all that baby weight so quickly. Many comments condemned Claire Danes for losing all that baby weight so quickly. We are a fickle society and the different comments showed that. The same went for Adele, though I saw more comments that "she still looks pregnant" as if that's a bad thing when you just had a baby quite recently. All of these comments were what I expected. We have a society and media who praise women for being perfectly thin and supposedly fit immediately after giving birth. We adore the celebrities who make an appearance a week after giving birth looking like they never had been pregnant. Bonus points if they didn't even get a stretch mark. We are inundated with these images day after day. So, is it a surprise that women rip each other apart based on body types? No, it shouldn't be. This is what the media wants. They want us to be constantly competing and constantly striving for perfection - it's what keeps us buying their magazines, their Spanx, their creams (made with baby foreskins - yum!), their make-up, their clothes, their diet foods, etc. Women yearning to look like today's it girl spend a lot of money and are a prime marketing target.


So, with that in mind, I was hardly surprised to see women scoring Adele vs Claire based on how they looked. I was mad, though. Pissed that we fall into this trap of competing all of the time. We're products of our environment - this being told that we're not good enough since we're girls so we must always work hard to prove ourselves - but there has to be a point when we wise up and stop this shit. What truly pissed me off was one comment I saw under Claire Danes' photo, "She's not a real woman." That comment was followed up with a lot of agreement that Claire is not a real woman because she is skinny and lacks curves. "Adele, now that is what a real woman looks like. She has curves. Real women have curves and breasts and hips." There was the obvious evolution of the discussion where it has been decided by many that Claire obviously crash dieted and worked out to near death in order to look the way she did at the awards. The talk was that "real women" never - the word never was used quite a few times - look like that a month after birth. Obviously, she is a bad mom because she didn't spend enough time with her baby because she was too busy working out and counting calories. For what it's worth, she discussed breastfeeding when being interviewed on the red carpet. Doesn't sound like she is neglecting him too much.


Women should not feel like they need to look a certain way after birth. They should not feel pressured to slim down immediately. I personally know women who begin to worry about their post baby figures as soon as the pee hits the stick. It's so sad that women feel this way about themselves. That being said, there are women - and not an insubstantial amount - who slim down immediately after birth naturally. I come from a long line of women who do this. Many of the women on my mom's side of the family are tall (like 6 feet) and thin. They barely require maternity clothes when pregnant and they all walk out of the hospital looking like they have never given birth. Are they not women? Where do I fit in? I'm slender, but I have curves. I still have a little belly pooch due to diastasis. Am I a real woman now? Will I lose my real woman status if I go back to having a flat tummy? What if my boobs shrink? I love every curve on my body and you know I love my stretch marks. Should I love myself less since I have curves and stretch marks? Or should I love myself less if any of those marks fade or those curves get a bit smaller. At what point will my Real Woman Card expire?


It's so tiring listening to women shame other women based on their bodies. It's like you're damned either way. Adele sucks because she didn't lose baby weight fast enough. Claire Danes sucks because she lost weight too quick. Skinny women aren't real women because they lack curves. Fluffy women aren't real women because they don't take care of their bodies. It's not "normal" to look like Claire Danes after you give birth. It's not "normal" to look like Adele after we give birth. Being a woman, in whatever shape you are in is apparently just not normal. We can't give birth correctly. We can't feed our children correctly. We can't lose or retain weight post partum correctly. Can we just shut the fuck up with this nonsense already? Why must we always pick one another apart? I get that skinny isn't always healthy and being overweight isn't always healthy, but do we truly think we are encouraging other women to better themselves by telling them how much they suck? I mean, I can't even post a brief body positive message on my page without someone piping up with," yeah, we should accept each other, just remember that fat people will die from all the twinkies." Come on!

I'm not pushing anyone to be unhealthy, but I realize that humans come in a variety of shapes and sizes and the sooner we accept that the healthier and happier we will be. If we are constantly telling women to be ashamed of their bodies, whatever form they take, they will not seek to take care of themselves. Even in 2013, it seems like women have so much to work against. When we fail to unite with one another it makes it easier for all of us to fail. We need to work on accepting one another in all of our various sizes. We need to encourage one another to be healthy, realizing that healthy is not one single size or shape.


What does a real woman look like? The answer isn't in chromosomes or body parts. It's not found in the amount of flesh around our hips or in our breasts. It's not found in our ability or lack of ability to produce children. It's not found in our housekeeping practices. It's not found in our clothes, our hairstyles or our cosmetics. It's not in our names or our societal roles. If you feel you are a woman, then you are a woman. No uniform required.

Holy Mother of God

By Peter Paul Rubens

So, I went to church the other day. I sat there....oh no, wait, I forgot that I'm Catholic...I kneeled there, praying. I was praying that God would make me all super holy and more Christian than others so that I can feel righteous in judging some awfully gnarly things in this world, like the anatomical features of my own womanly body that He created. I hadn't noticed much when I walked into the church because I was too busy feeling the Spirit, but after some  prayer, I opened my eyes and looked around. I noticed the most vile and crude things. There were paintings....painting that showed a woman's breasts! In church! Where Jesus lives! Oh my God, this woman who apparently has an affinity for blue robes modeled for a bunch of paintings showing her indecently breastfeeding an infant - and sometimes a grown toddler! Fucking hell, even one of the paintings showed this rather old-looking naked baby just clinging on to her exposed breast, nipple and all, while He looked outward, smiling. This woman, this floozy, obviously thinks she's all that because in some pictures she is wearing a fancy crown and she always has a halo. Oh, heavenly. And just to prove how immoral she is, she is almost always flanked by flying babies, who are also naked and flaunting their wings and penises. Oh my God. Who does she think she is, just sitting there in her regal robes acting like she is the Mother of God while forcing our young, impressionable children to look at her breasts? Have mercy! I started having heart palpitations, so I had to look elsewhere and I focused my attention on the Crucifix hanging from the ceiling. I focused on the bruised, beaten, pierced body of Our Lord and all the blood that trickled down from His wounds and I prayed that I never have to see anything as offensive as a painting of some woman breastfeeding in public again. I then looked at one of my favorite statues in the church - it depicts Jesus, wearing nothing but His underwear, tied to a post, being whipped, His back a bloody mess as He received the cruel punishment for being the Son of God. I focused on those bloody gashes on His back again and prayed that the children will not ever have to view the vile images seen in those paintings of the breastfeeding woman. Then I took out my rosary and prayed to Mary, the Mother of God for a little bit, though I was still distracted by the flaunting woman in those paintings. I think I may write a letter to the Pope, asking him to have all such images removed from Churches so our children do not have their innocence stolen from them. First, I'm going to follow the Stations of the Cross around the Church and focus on the depictions of Jesus dragging that cross across town, His body full of bruises and blood until He finally had nails driven into his wrists and feet...I think they need to take those paintings down and replace them with a nice, moral Saint. Saint Agatha comes to mind. I've seen paintings of her holding a plate with some sort of jell-o molds or something. Kids love jell-o.

St. Agatha

Seriously, people think like that. Recently, someone had an image of a Renaissance (or high medieval, I forget) painting of the Virgin nursing baby Jesus removed from her page for indecency. In Facebook's never-ending witch hunt for breastfeeding images, despite their claims of allowing such images, they even managed to insult God and His mom! Asinine! I then saw a lot of debates on Facebook in the last few weeks about the appropriateness of churches housing paintings of the Virgin Mary breastfeeding the wee little Jesus. I guess I didn't get the memo that we'd be returning to the Protestant Reformation, when great works of art were defiled in order to cover up any saucy bits of flesh exposed on the subjects. There are actual discussions as to whether it's okay for people to see Jesus and His mom doing what many babies and moms actually do. I have to say it's not surprising given the fact that this country has a problem with respecting the rights of mothers to nurse their babies in public. It's been a long battle since we decided that breasts were no longer for nurturing the babies and were now only to be used as objects of sexual lust. So, yeah, I'm used to it....but, Jesus' mom? Are we really going to ask God's mum to wear a Holy Hooter Hider (comes in a lovely pastel blue with a virginal white lily print or you can get a custom designed one from Etsy with the Vatican logo embroidered on it)? Let me frank - Jesus was breastfed. I know there are some Christian traditions which are all about telling women that they are the embodiment of sin because they are women and that their bodies are shameful, but that crap doesn't fly with me. Why would God have a problem with the body that He created? He designed boobs all by Himself. He knows they can serve more than one function - nourishment, a nice place to lay one's head, a good place to hide small toys or, for the adults, a little something nice to look at. Obviously, God didn't have a problem with boobies or any other part of the womanly body because He saw fit to send his Kid to reside in a human womb, shoot out of a human vagina and nurse at human breasts. Get the hell over it already! The body isn't sinful! The sin is in shaming our bodies so much that we don't even remember what's normal about their functions anymore.

The Holy Family By Joos Van Cleve - is she mom enough?

It especially pisses me off because these are typically debates held about images seen in Catholic churches...by non-Catholic people. Dude, this art is our tradition and it's sacred. Respect that. Why are the breastfeeding pictures so hotly debated? Have you seen the imagery of Jesus on the day He died? It ain't pretty. In fact, you are more likely to walk into a Catholic church and see a variety of images of Jesus getting the crap kicked out of Him and, of course, nailed to the Cross. There's usually blood. There is no uproar over the Pieta, an image of the Virgin Mary holding her adult son, Jesus, dead and slumped over in her lap, yet we whine about an image of the same pair, only 30 years before that when Jesus was a baby at His mother's breast. Really? Where is the uproar over images of St. Agatha? She was martyred for her faith and they cut off her breasts. She is most often depicted in two ways - either in the moment of torture as they cut her breasts from her body or in her more Saintly form (fully clothed and, you know, alive) holding a plate with her own two breasts on it. Oh, but St. Agatha art gets a pass because her breasts are being removed, they are not nursing an infant. Art depicting violence towards a woman's breasts is ok. Art depicting the natural function of breasts is sinful and shameful. The hypocrisy is astounding.

Michelangelo's Pieta at St. Peter's Basilica

I guess people are getting weary over the whole breastfeeding in public argument because they keep getting beaten down by logic and reason. So, they do the natural thing when you cannot reasonably argue and discriminate against something - hide behind religion. Eyeroll. It's not going to work folks. You can stop harassing moms in malls when they feed their children. You can also lay off the Mother of God. There are other problems in the world and the sight of a mother nursing her child is not one of them. It's time to move on. Your religion doesn't give you the right to harass and judge any mother for nursing in public, whether she is the Mother of God or a mom sitting behind you in your church pew. Nothing divine or earthly gives you that right.


"Gather the people, consecrate the assembly; bring together the elders, gather the children, those nursing at the breast." - Joel 2:16

...."God bless your mother--the womb from which you came, and the breasts that nursed you!" - Luke 11:27


P.S. - a little fun trivia - an important component of Medieval and early Renaissance artwork was to communicate with worshippers back when the more common folk couldn't read. Paintings were loaded with symbolism that most people would have been able to understand. Baby Jesus nursing was a major symbol of His humanity. That's also why He was depicted nude. Let's have fun with the Van Cleve painting up there, just for a moment. Nude baby nursing = Jesus as a human. Knife = circumcision (booo) of Jesus. Old dude = it was commonly believed that Joseph was a really old guy when he married Mary. Mary's blue and white duds = her virginity, purity and motherhood. Mary's red duds = Passion of Christ and His blood that washes away all sins. Citrus fruits = weaning. It was believed Jesus was weaned onto citrus fruit. Enclosed window with garden/pastoral scene in the background = Mary's purity. Joesph is often seen at that window as a symbol of his protection of her purity. I think there is a sheep in the pastoral scene behind Joseph and that = Jesus as Lamb of God. There is a glass of wine which = Christ's blood and passion. There is a reflection of light in the shape of the cross in the glass. I'm not sure what St. Joe is reading here, but he is often depicted reading The Magnificat. Isn't that cool? The medieval paintings are treasure troves of symbolism.

Immaculate Detachment

Unless you are living under a rock - and what are you doing reading me, then? - you are very much aware of the senseless tragedy that destroyed lives and sent 26 Heavenward last week when a gunman opened fire inside a school.

The news shook me to my core. I do not do well when I hear about harm to children. Whether it's children in this country or another country, it hurts my heart to think of them suffering in any way. Furthermore, I have a 6 year old son - the same age as many of the children who were ... killed. He goes to school, too. My mind has not been off of this tragedy for more than a few moments since it happened. So many things have floated in and out of my brainspace since then - sorrow, hatred, anger, fear, hope, compassion, empathy, more fear, shock, more sorrow, more sorrow and more sorrow. My heart grieves so much for all the lives lost and the families and friends who are missing their loved ones.

As usual, when you have a mass shooting - - - Wait...wait. Can I just say that it is completely FUCKED UP that I just wrote, "as usual, when you have a mass shooting?" Why is it usual? Stop the world, I want to jump off. - - - Anyway, when these tragedies happen, you can expect the usual reactions and debates over guns. Obviously, when crimes of this nature happen with guns, it's reasonable people are going engage in a discussion about them. That's not a surprise. That's something I expected. I also expected people to raise the issue of how we deal (or don't deal) with mental illness in this country. Of course we're going to talk about that.

But there is something I didn't expect from a source that really should know better.

It was Friday, just hours after the shooting. I had taken my son and daughter to a local mall with my mom to visit Santa and have a picture taken. Afterward, my kids played in a little play zone full of things to climb on and kids with germs to share. My mom wandered around, keeping an eye on my kids, while I played bad mom and sat on the corner of a cushioned bench and looked at my phone. I wasn't truly paying attention to my phone. I always have an eye on my kids. I was mindlessly letting my Facebook feed scroll on by, not really noticing the words on the screen. I fought back tears as I kept thinking of those children and the adults who tried to protect them. I went to my own Facebook page for this blog. The last thing I had posted was from the previous night when I advised people to run outside and check out the meteor shower. I thought of how I lifted my son from his slumber, bundled him up and took him outside where he saw 5 shooting stars slowly flash across the sky. I then wondered if any of the children who passed away had spent their last night alive doing the same thing...stay up late, bundling up to go outside and watch the skies. Not know that the Heaven they stared out would be waiting for them. I fought to keep more tears back as I watched both of my kids slide backwards on a slide in their fancy Santa picture clothes.

I needed something to take my mind someplace else, so I clicked back to my news feed, in search of some other news or maybe some silly cat meme.Instead, I found something to make me angry. It was from well-known natural childbirth advocate and educator, Suzanne Arms. She is the author of Immaculate Deception, which has been read by many birth advocates over the decades. That book was one of the first books I had ever read on the subject and it provided me with a little bit of inspiration when I was a teenage birth activist. She is currently working on some film project in which she wants to relate the experiences within the womb and the experience of birth to our psyches. In essence, she believes that your life as an unborn baby and the way you are born will have lasting effects on your mental state for the rest of your life. She also believes in the importance of the mother-child bond and that this can be altered by birth experience. Ok. I can get behind that somewhat. I sure do believe that birth is extremely important, which is why I believe it's essential to make sure we are respecting women during pregnancy and birth and that we empower them to make decisions regarding their pregnancy and birth. Of course I believe a strong bond between mom and child is important for a healthy mental state. Duh. However, I believe that these things make up a few pieces of a billion piece puzzle. I believe a good, gentle birth, breastfeeding and attachment type parenting are very important, but I know that other variables may come into play during a person's childhood that can alter their mental and emotional well-being. It's not exactly black and white. As it is, Suzanne Arms is focusing on how the pre-birth period and birth itself affects a person because that's her scope of interest. She has been working on getting her film funded and relies heavily on donations. What does any of this have to do with the horror that happened in Connecticut. Oh, I'll tell you.

Within hours after the shooting...before the sun set...Suzanne Arms posted twice to her Facebook page. And it's what she posted that caught my attention as I sat in that playzone trying to fight tears. Oh Suzanne, you helped me fight those tears, just not in the way I expected. She posted that a horrible tragedy unfolded in Connecticut and that it made her sad. Well, that's a reasonable response. She stated that the shooter had killed his own mother (she also incorrectly reported that the mother was teaching a room of kindergarteners) and that was tragic. Of course.  Her next sentence is where any sensibility that she possessed went to die. She said that this incident was "clearly" (her word) and example of the importance of that mother-child bond and attachment. She then spewed a little bit about the importance of a good womb environment and birth. Yes, folks, she actually made the leap from some soulless piece of shit slaughtering children and adults to the act being a clear example of what goes wrong when a mom isn't happy in pregnancy, doesn't have the perfect natural birth and doesn't establish the correct kind of bond with her child. Are you furious? Do you want to get more furious? Her next spewing of sentences was to tell us that THIS - this motherfucking senseless horror - was a perfect reason to DONATE to her motherfucking film! And then she went on and on about what amount you can donate.

Let's sum this up. All in one status up, Suzanne Arms briefly mentioned the school shooting was sad. She then hitched the shooting to her theory that bad pregnancies and births lead to psycho killers. She then asked people to donate to her so she can continue to make her film about this theory.

Of course, most people responded to tell her she was an ass. That prompted her to write a follow up status update. Did she apologize for attempting to co-opt this tragedy to fund her film? No, because that's what people with hearts would do. She merely asked her fans if her words were upsetting and wanted to know if they agreed with her colleague who said she was out of line. She made no admittance of feeling the slightest bit guilty. Again, many people responded that she was, in fact, a cold-hearted opportunistic bitch idiot. There were a few people who defended her. Some even said that their FIRST thought was what kind of birth the killer's mother had. I shit you not. Their first thought wasn't about those slaughtered children...it was whether or not his mother had a serene hypnobirth or an intervention cascade into a c-section. And we wonder why people think natural birth advocates are insane. Another person said we are "stupid" to not make the connection between birth trauma and mass murdering gunmen. And then we had the typical folks coming out of the woodwork to say, "see? This is what's wrong with all of you natural birth nuts. You people are the crazy ones." Suzanne Arms managed to offend to senses of reasonable people with her use of the tragedy to make a buck, she laid the blame of this on the feet of the killer's mother and she also helped to further isolate the natural birth movement and have all of us birth activists lumped into the same category of insanity. Thanks, Suzanne.

Now, I have to relay all of this to you based on my memory. I cannot provide links. Without a word, Suzanne removed those status updates. That was two days ago and she has not posted since. A compassionate person with some semblance of a heart would have issued an apology. Two days is too long for me and the small amount of respect I used to have for her has been flushed down the toilet. She is a thoughtless coward.

Does she realize the pressure she just put on mothers who didn't have her optimal kind of birth when she stated that this tragedy was a "clear example" of her theory? If you didn't give birth, orgasmically and in water under your backyard honeysuckle bush while some chickadees and robins serenaded you as you softly hummed your baby out of your vagina (which was previously anointed with unicorn breastmilk and fairy tears by your midwife as she sang ancient tribal hymns) then your baby will grow up to be a mass murderer. If you had the misfortune of having your birth plan ripped to shreds by the hospital staff and you end up with pitocin, and epidural and a c-section, then your baby will be a serial killer. If you stressed for one moment during your pregnancy and disturbed your unborn baby's daily yoga meditation because you had the audacity to worry about your creeping blood pressure....well, you might as well just hand that baby a gun and tell him to go to town right after birth because there's no hope. It's that kind of talk that helps widen the divide between mothers in this society. Rather working towards this common goal of empowering women and educating them so that we can improve birth experiences and outcomes, blind statements such as the ones made by Suzanne Arms end up placing blame on those mothers who didn't have the "perfect" experience and it turns people off to what could be a good message. Statements like that do more harm than good, no matter the intention.

But, above all, she did a terrible disservice to the victims of the shooting. Capitalizing on their deaths to further your own agenda for your birth film is despicable at best. I said on my Facebook page that I no not believe in the devil, but if I did I would say that he was with Suzanne when she decided to write those statuses within hours of children being shot to death. Other people mentioned and I agree - perhaps we should have a discussion with Suzanne about the way she came into the world. Was it her own birth that caused her to be so detached  and callous when speaking about this incident just hours after it happened? Perhaps her own mother didn't give birth the "right way," which has caused Suzanne to believe it is perfectly fine to mention murdered children as an afterthought when trying to get funding for an unrelated birth film. I am bothered by the notion that it's possible a family member of one of the slain could be a birth advocate who follows Suzanne on Facebook. What if she came across that status update and a knife pierced her heart as she viewed that opportunism?

I won't harp on Ms. Arms for much longer. I wanted to get this out there. I needed to vent about it. I'm not going to wish harm or failure to Ms. Arms for what she did, other than the natural consequences that occur when you make dumb statements ( i.e. people like me blogging about what an ass you are). I can say that I'll never recommend her works. I'll never promote her film. I'll leave this here to be seen and people can decide for themselves if it's something that bothers them. I'm releasing this energy and it's done.

Of course, now that I have your attention, I am going to ask you to do something before you "X" out of this little post. Just stay there for a moment and be silent. Pray. Do whatever it is that you do to put good energy out into the world. First, pray for the sweet souls of those who were killed. Then, pray for peace and comfort for their loved ones. Lastly, pray for peace for all of us - an end to this senseless violence would be a wonderful thing. Much love.

Scrooge vs. The Elf: A Tale of Christmas Compromise

It's the most wonderful time of the year. A time when we celebrate the birth of Baby God by standing in line for 17 hours on Thanksgiving so we can push ourselves through store doorways, elbow one another, threaten to cut a bitch and stuff our carts full of cheap plastic crap made by Chinese slaves children workers for $0.09 cents an hour. And God forbid the 16 year old cashier who has been standing on her feet since last Tuesday wishes us a "Happy Holiday"... because she will be solely responsible for waging a war on Christmas, the little heathen. It's beautiful traditions like this that make December (and the September, October and November preceding it) so warm, fuzzy and wonderful. Sure, sure - there are other traditions such as lighting Advent candles on a wreath, singing carols about some impoverished baby born in a stable - what he has to do with Christmas is anyone's guess - and stringing up thousands of lights on your windows despite warnings from your Homeowners Association.

Different families have various traditions for this time of year. My family always goes to a certain Christmas display in the area. We have gone since I was a teeny EarthBabe. In my own home, we celebrate Hanukkah, St. Nicolas Day, Yule and Christmas and there are lights, foods, crafts, treats, decorations, prayers and traditions that go along with those four.  One newly manufactured  and super trendy tradition that I have been avoiding for the past few years is anything involving that mother-fucking Elf on the mother-fucking Shelf. It's true - I have not been a fan. My eyes have rolled numerous times reading status updates from mothers worried that their Elf on the Shelf won't be in as cool a location as their neighbor's Elf on the fucking Shelf. Deep sighs escape my throat as I see one more Pinterest photo of some creative ways to stuff your Elf into precarious situations around the house. My head has hit the desk on more than one occasion as yet another terribly over-saturated Instagram photo with too much blue filter shows an Elf getting into all sorts of silly hijinks. The mother-fucking Elf on the mother-fucking Shelf with his little prissy sideways eyeroll and unfortunate case of rosacea (or is it? I personally think he drinks too much) was not going to be welcomed into my home. I am comfortable being judgmental about the damn Elf as I sit at my computer, in my Christmas penguin fleece pajama bottoms while sipping my iced coffee from a wine glass. I even made fun of the thing on my Facebook page:

"Got one of those Elf on the Shelf dolls. I set him up in a kitchen cabinet last night. Woke up to find him with a dead hooker and a bag of blow. Decided he was in no position to judge my kid and make reports to Santa and sent him to Blitzen's Home For Wayward Holiday Helpers. Hope he makes a good recovery." - Me

That was as close to my home that any Elf on the MF Shelf was going to get - a fake scenario in a status update. 

Until I went to Target with my son. 

We arrived at our local Target with the simple task of getting a present for a birthday party. That was all. I had a coupon for $3.00 of my purchase. It was going to be an easy and happy and cheap trip. Of course, I can't just walk into Target and go to my targeted (giggle) aisle and pick out the one thing I needed. Noooooo. I have to walk to perimeter of the whole store. If I don't, the world will spin off it's axis and things will suck. True story. I wheeled my cart through the store, with my 6 year old laying on the very bottom rack of the cart and my 15 month old standing in the part where little kids should be sitting - pretty much everything that the warnings on the cart tell you not to do - and passed display after display of crap I don't need. I saw a display of the mother-fucking Elf on the motherfucking Shelf ('twas only one plush Elf left, surrounded by EOTS books, CDs and other overpriced elven do-dads) and proceeded to smugly walk right by it, happily glowing with my sense of pride that we don't do that. The squeaking of the cart wheels was met with another high-pitched noise - my little boy shrieking, "Mama! Stop! Stop!" I, of course, have a heart attack and immediately think this is what I get for being that bad mom who lets her kids ride on carts in unsafe ways. I thought I must have run over his hand, or his nose or something. No. He continued, "It's the ELF! Oh my God! It's really the ELF! They come alive at night and run around your house while your sleeping! Oh my God! I never thought I would ever see one!" He jumped up and grabbed that last little Elf and asked, "Mama, please, can I have him? Please? I've never had a real Elf before!" His gorgeous brown-green-brown eyes were lit up like the finale of the Wanamaker's light display in downtown Philadelphia. He was glowing - actually glowing - with excitement. You know how they talk about the Christmas Spirit and all that magic? You know, the magic that we have forgotten as we grew up and stopped believing? It was right there - emanating in all of it's red and green glory from my son.

This is the part where I could have educated him about our culture of consumption. I could have lectured him on advertising and it's sinister effect on children like him. I could have made a grand speech about how he didn't need to have an Elf of his own just because other kids have one - be yourself, kid. Stand out in the crowd! I could have told him that the Elf isn't real. 

Or course, I said, "Wow! I think this little Elf was waiting here just for you." More light and sparkle in his eyes. "What shall we name your Elf?"

"Golly!" he said. (pronounced like "jolly") This is not the typical EOTS. It's plush and it has a kinder gaze, not that sarcastic sideways creepy killer clown look. It comes with a removable skirt, so your Elf can conform to gender roles and be either a boy or a girl. I asked my son if Golly was a boy or girl. "A boy!" he said. I pointed out that we could take the skirt off when we got home. "Why would I want to take his skirt off? That's his skirt. He needs it and you can tell he likes it." Well played, little man. 

And he was a happy little boy. And I was a happy little mom. I couldn't take that moment of magic away from him - even if I don't believe (or do I?). It was a beautiful moment and I think I may have even heard an angel sing....until I heard more shrieking. This time, it was from the little baby girl in my cart who was trying to furiously rip the Elf from my son's hands. "No! No! He's for BOTH of us, but he wants ME to carry him. You stay in the cart." Cue crying from the little girl. Ahhh...the beautiful sounds of the season. 

Bonus: the Elf was on sale. We did not get the book. My son does not seem to know the "official" story. To him, this elf is a magical little dude who just shows up in different places when he wakes up in the morning. We do not say the Elf is spying and making reports back to the North Pol-ice. There is no pressure to "be good" in front of the Elf. The Elf simply finds a new place to plop his little skirted ass each night. There is no pressure for mama, either. I have a few tricks up my sleeve for Golly's nightly maneuvers, but I don't worry about being Pinterest perfect. When my son wakes up each morning and sees that Golly has moved and may or may not being doing something silly or helpful (we found him with a screwdriver and my son's new Ikea chair fully assembled), he laughs and is happy and excited. He lets his child imagination take over and basks in that wonder of the Christmas season that so many of us secretly wish we could get back.

Here's to Christmas magic and compromise - and to the hope that the little Elf really will do something magical, such as organize my pantry or put the laundry away.