Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Sexy Hobbit Feet and Other Compliments for Pregnant Women

There is nothing more glorious and glamorous than a pregnant woman. Each protruding curve of her beautiful body evokes the image of an almighty mother goddess and Mother Earth herself. She is curvy, glowing and vibrating with life.

Of course, those curves can barely stay contained in the are-you-fucking-kidding-me-that-maternity-clothes-are-this-small -?-maternity shirt (TM). Her belly hangs well below the hem of her shirt and her breasts are spilling out from the nursing bra that she bought in 3 cup sizes bigger than normal and it still doesn't have the decency to contain her boobage. And no one ever told you that the beautiful curves of a pregnant woman included her swollen feet, did they? The glow is likely due to the immense amount of sweat pouring out of her pores because anything warmer than 38 degrees Fahrenheit is like standing in the middle of the Sahara for a pregnant woman. And vibrations? Dude! Her blood sugar is crashing - those are the I-need-food-NOW-shakes. She just spent twelve hours standing in line at Babies 'R' Us (it's corporate policy to have only one apathetic cashier available on their busiest of days) buying breast milk storage bags and baby booger suckers and now she is hypoglycemic! So grab her a chair so she can get her feet up, get her some ice water, heavy on the crushed ice, and bring her a damn sandwich! And make sure you tell her she's beautiful at least 4 times every 19 seconds. Clock is ticking.

I know. I just inspired millions of women to get pregnant right.this.minute. How can you resist my ultra glamorous portrayal of the maternal state? All joking aside, pregnant women are goddesses and we are all simply beautiful. It's just that we don't always feel that way about ourselves. Yeah, yeah, it's all a miracle. We know. We know that we are gestating the revolution, the next generation and whatever other hippie love phrase you want to put in there. We know it's sacred. We know we should be worshiped. However, there are times, when your maternity jeans keep slipping down your butt and your maternity shirt keeps hiking up, that you don't feel like much of a goddess supermodel. People can tell your feet are curvy because you're wearing flip flops - in Minnesota, in January, in 17 feet of snow. You have no choice because your feet have swollen to the size of a small toddler. Your legs have been shaved into an odd patchwork pattern because you just plain can't see them. You tried to sit down in the shower to shave them, but found you couldn't get back up - worse, your husband was still at work, so you spent two hours sitting in the bathtub, clutching your razor, while your not-very-helpful cat sat on the tub ledge and stared at you as you cried one of those pathetic, snot-bubbly cries until the husband finally walked in the door and rescued you. You ended up with a cold and suffer because you can't take anything useful and when you go to the store to buy tissues, you are standing in line when you feel a sneeze come on and you do one of those unfortunate sneeze-cough-burp-fart things and pee just a little thanks to the baby squeezing every noise and fluid producing organ and hope no one notices as you dig through your wallet for your store bonus card and some dignity. At some point, you're sitting in the library when you get a whiff of decomposing onions. You look around to see where the stench is coming from when you realize it's you and that the joyous hormones of pregnancy have added to your normal bodily odor and then you start to dry heave from your own scent because morning sickness still has not passed at 7 months of pregnancy. Yeah, we know this is a miraculous time, but we don't always feel it. And that's okay.

Here's what's not okay - telling us that we look bloated, crappy, tired, fat, whorish, smelly or hairy. Nope. You just can't do that. Sure, your pregnant friend might say, "I just feel so huge and nothing fits and I smell really weird," but you can't agree. No. She looks beautiful. And no comparing how big she is to how big you were.

Here is a helpful list of what to say:

Don't say: "Wow. You're tiny for 30 weeks. Are you sure you're really pregnant? Are you eating enough? Are you worried that the baby will be too small?"
 Do say: "Wow. You're gorgeous. You are a glowing Earth Mother Goddess."

Don't say: "Wow. You're HUGE! Are you sure there is only one in there? Wow! I can't believe you're only twelve weeks. I didn't even look that big when I was 40 weeks. Are you worried your baby will be too big?"
Do say: "Wow. You're gorgeous. You are a glowing Earth Mother Goddess."

Don't say: "Look at those huge feet! They look like Hobbit feet - are you from the Shire, Frodo? Man, I bet a guy with a foot fetish would love those. How can you even walk with feet that huge?"
Do say:  "Wow. You're gorgeous. You are a glowing Earth Mother Goddess. Would you like to sit down. Here, have my seat. In fact, let me get you a gift certificate for a pedicure."

Don't say: "I've never seen a person eat so much. You're only eating for two, not seven. Aren't you worried you'll make your baby fat?"
Do say: "Wow. You're gorgeous. You are a glowing Earth Mother Goddess. Can I get you another sandwich, with a side of steak?"

Don't say: "Girl, your hair is looking kinda greasy lately and your skin could use some love. Come to think of it, do you smell that? Is that you? Oh, you must be having a girl and she is stealing ALL of your beauty and then some." 
Do say: "Wow. You're gorgeous. You are a glowing Earth Mother Goddess. Let's go get our hair and make-up done. My treat."

Don't say: "Holy shit -  you're carrying around a load of weight. Woo. That looks painful. You should get one of those belly slings so you can heave that beast around."
Do say: "Wow. You're gorgeous. You are a glowing Earth Mother Goddess. Can I give you a back rub?"

I'm sure you get the point. It is a little hard to carry around an extra human strapped to your lower front half, defying some laws of physics. No matter how gorgeous we look, we can have times when we aren't feel the sexy glamor and it can be hard on us. We don't need someone extra reminding us that we are huge or blotchy or stinky or that we are eating a load. Even if you're thinking it, don't say it. We hear enough crap from the media telling us that we have to be sexy pregnant ladies, with petite bumps, globe-shaped perfect tits and NO STRETCH MARKS. We don't need to hear it from our friends, family and co-workers. So, remember, even if your pregnant best friend is weighing down the passenger side of your car and she's sprouted 4 extra chin hairs right in front of you and she keeps burping due to her acid reflux, please don't tell her anything other than she is the most beautiful person you've ever seen.

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