Saturday, July 28, 2012

Clowns Are Evil and Yogurt Tastes Funny

I take pictures like this at 2am in my bathroom.
Not too long ago, I asked a question on my Facebook page. Is there something about you that people would be surprised to learn? No one answered with any stories about hidden bodies, which is a good thing. It's always interesting to find out new things about people. There are people who you know for years and are very good friends with who surprise you with little tidbits. A friend of mine started taking burlesque dance lessons a few years ago and recently performed live. I never knew. She didn't tell anyone because she was afraid they would judge her for sexy dancing or she was self-conscious and didn't think she was very good at it.

There are things that people may be surprised to learn about me. Some are fun. Some aren't.

I hate yogurt...because I think it tastes like semen. There. It's out in the open.

I am not superstitious in my daily life, but I can be very much so in my professional life. I will not say the following words at my job; bloat, colic and quiet. I believe saying the first two will bring in patients with those problems and the third word will ensure that a relatively smooth day will turn to shit. I will not cut the nails of an animal before it has emergency surgery. I feel like that dooms the animal to die under anesthesia. Also, I will give an uneven/lopsided shave job to animals coming in for emergency abdominal surgery. First, in an emergency you don't have time to make sure your edges are fine. Second, I believe a perfect shave job will doom the pet. I'm serious. When I place catheters, I have to drop the stylette (the part that does not stay in the vein) onto the floor. Doing so will ensure a smooth catheter placement. Pisses my co-workers off.

The biggest surprise is that I am shy. This is not a surprise to me and I find it hard to believe  that many people don't see it. This goes for people I know in my personal life as well as people I have only met on the internetz. The story goes that people think I am extremely confident and have high self-esteem. While it's true that I am confident in my decisions, my self-esteem is pretty low. I also have a reputation for being a bit of a bitch and not taking shit. This is true. I do stand up for myself. If you have done me wrong, I will let you know. If I'm mad at you, you will know. So, people assume since I am so willing to stand up for myself that I am very secure. I'm not. Thanks to all of the bullying throughout the years, I am extremely self-conscious. I always worry about how I look. I always worry about being laughed at. I always worry about sounding stupid. For years, I couldn't go to the store by myself. I barely ever made my own phone calls to businesses. I was always afraid to try new things. If I became interested in belly dance 10 years ago, that version of me would have never gone to classes without knowing someone in them. When my husband and I first started dating and we would go to the store or any place that required money, I would hand him my money - if I was paying for something - and have him go up to the cashier to pay for me. It's gotten a lot easier since having kids. I almost always have a mini sidekick.

Clowns scare the shit out of me. Mmm hmmm. Have you seen Poltergeist? We rented it when it first came out on BetaMax back in the early 1980's. I was about 5. There is this scene where an evil clown doll from Hades comes out and grabs a little boy during a thunderstorm. Scarred me for life. I used to have a clown doll in my bedroom. It was crocheted by my grandmother's friend. After seeing Poltergeist, my mom had to remove the doll (I would not touch it) and hide it in her closet until my adult years. I'm okay in a crowd. People have tried to send clowns over to say "hi" to me at various events thinking they will scare me. Nah. I'm okay in public, but in a home or when I'm alone is a different story. My childhood best friend collected clowns. She had dozens in her bedroom. Couldn't be in there alone with those devil beings. When I slept over, I turned to face the wall. My aunt had clown pictures in her bathroom (this should have been a sign that she's a bitchface). I swear they were watching me as I peed. I swear. Clowns are evil - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Did I mention that yogurt tastes like semen?

I don't own a single pair of white socks. I blame the Spice Girls. Yes, the Spice Girls. I don't even know any of their songs - all I know is they had some verbal uttering where they all had this collective seizure and kept saying "zigazigahhhhhh" or some shit in one of their songs. That's almost all I know of them, except for a bit about socks. They were on TV being interviewed and, as I was scrambling to find my remote control (those were the size of a cereal box back then, kids), the interviewer asked one of them about her socks. They were bright and funky and she said (and I'm paraphrasing since this was 80 years ago), "I always wear bright and fun socks. Even if I'm having a bad day, I can look down and see happy feet." I thought that was a little bit cool and started buying my own funky little socks. It's over a decade later and my sock drawer is a rainbow of colors and images and there isn't a single plain white one in there.

Alan Rickman makes my pants fit funny.

So does Alan Cumming.

I do not drink and I've never been drunk. I have never done drugs. I am a total hippie who does not and will not smoke pot. This floors people. First, the drinking. At least once a month someone will tell me that I "just have to" get drunk just once in my life. No, no I really don't. I will have a glass of wine once in a great while. I don't even finish that. I don't have any alcohol in my house. My decision to not get drunk or high has been incredibly socially isolating, though people who cannot accept me just because I don't alter my mind in their way are simply not worth my time.  I wasn't necessarily raised this way. My parents are not drinkers and there was never alcohol in the house, but they never harped on me about drinking or drugs. My husband is an alcoholic. He's been sober since the first year of our relationship because I made it quite clear that if he wanted to pursue things with me he would have to quit drinking and smoking. He did. He comes from a family of drinkers. His grandfather was an alcoholic and died because of it. His stepfather was a raging alcoholic, even after receiving some organ transplants, and it eventually killed him. My husband's mother died as a result of an aneurysm, which was not helped by years of prescription drug abuse. I'm not longing for the experience of being drunk. There is not a single thing about it that appeals to me. I also fear who I would become if I was drunk. Some people think I'd be just hilarious. I believe that I would be insanely violent. As such, I'm not one to find out. Pot is the same. Everyone thinks that I must be incredibly pro-marijuana and that I grow my own. I've never smoked it and I have no desire to do so. The smell makes me incredibly ill and I can't stand being around people who have recently smoked it for that reason. Like alcohol, I have no desire to experience it. I'm goofy enough as it is and I don't feel the need to get drunk or high. It also doesn't help that there have been way too many - and I mean WAY TOO MANY - people in my life who have battled addiction, who have died, who have gone to jail and who have been killed as a result of alcohol and drugs. It's just not for me.

I listen to Eminem. He makes my teeth sweat.

I think Jell-O and any kind of flavored gelatin product like it is vile. It looks like troll boogers and probably tastes like troll boogers.

I love Frankenstein. Ok, technically, the monster in the novel isn't actually named anything, but everyone in this day and age refers to him by his "daddy's" name, Frankenstein. I love the novel. I connect with the idea of being a loathed outsider. I don't quite connect with being pieced together with bits o' dead people, but we can make a pass at that. I don't collect anything, per se, but I do have an awful lot of Frankenstein Halloween decorations.

I love, love, love Laurel and Hardy. Yeah, the 1930's comedy team. I think they are hilarious.

I bought....used my own money...a Britney Spears cd.

I am terrified of thunderstorms. For that reason, I am really into meteorology. A lot of my friends ask me about forecasts and weather stuff, especially during severe weather outbreaks. I study weather and thunderstorms because I fear it. The more I know, the less I fear. The sole reason I ever started using internet on my phone was to access radar 24/7. I have even paid $10 for a super fancy radar app.

I super love Marilyn Manson. Love him. I also love him. For whatever reason, this shocks some people. I'm not down with his drug use, obviously, but I think he is incredibly intelligent and just plain beautiful. We both worship David Bowie. 

My husband and I share a wedding anniversary with John and Abigail Adams. No, that wasn't planned. I didn't learn about that until a few months before we were married. Oddly enough, John Adams is one of my most favorite historical figure and we honeymooned in Massachusetts and took anniversary trips there, visiting Adams National Historic park (on Occtober 28 - the anniversary of Abigail Adams death - how weird is that?). I was into him way before he had his own mini series on HBO. My interest was initially peaked in 1997 when I went (6 times) to see Brent Spiner ("Data" from Star Trek) play Adams in the Broadway play 1776. My boyfriend back then was a historian whose area of expertise is the American Revolution. I am from Philadelphia and surrounded by history at every step, so it was quite easy to indulge my interests. I'll say this, even though he got his own HBO show, John Adams is one of the most underrated figures in American History.

I own a Twilight pillowcase. It has a picture of Robert Pattinson (Edward) on it. I'd be happy to lick the sparkles right off him. Don't judge. 

I've gone nearly my entire life thinking that coffee cake actually contains coffee. I was floored...utterly shocked...when I learned the truth.

I have never been bowling.

I take pictures of trees that have knots or other bumps/patterns that look like boobs, penises or vulvas.

Someone got a Brazilian...
Copyright JSH 2012

And last - it took me three months to finish this. This was sitting in the Blog Oubliette (Labyrinth reference FTW) for a while. Usually, posts that end up as drafts never see the daylight. I just found this and thought I'd finish it. Sadly, I couldn't think of many interesting tidbits about me. Even worse, I'm much more boring in person.


Mrs. Riccobono (a.k.a. "Mrs. Rick") said...

How have you never been bowling? HOW? We are fixing that this summer. Vinny rocks at bumper bowling and I can break 100 on a good day. On a bad day, I just curse a lot.

Anonymous said...

We are soul sisters in clown hating. When I went to Vegas, I wouldn't go in Circus Circus because I heard that that's where the clown from Poltergeist is on display. Clowns are fucked up,man. John Wayne Gacy. I rest my case.

Hey, I don't smoke pot,either! Nor do I do drugs. I don't even like to take Nyquil.

I love Eminem. I can't tell you how much I've been judged for that. Therefore, I will not judge you for your Twilight pillowcase.

Funky Little Earthchild said...

Michelle - it just happened. I've never gone. I'm sure I would be a sight to see.

Dumbsaint - I thought of you when I was writing about my pillowcase.

rebecca said...

I also hate clowns...and monkeys....and clown monkeys. My dad once had to come pick me up from a sleep over in the middle of the night because they had a toy clown and I couldn't get over it. He was not pleased.

Funky Little Earthchild said...

Clown monkeys are most definitely evil.

Mrs. Riccobono (a.k.a. "Mrs. Rick") said...

Oh God, Poltergest. The ONLY time I have ever seen my Dad really mad at my Mom was when she let us watch that on a weekend visit. I came home, walked into my room and started screaming. I'd forgetten my collection of expensive Ashton Drake dolls, and demanded that they get locked in the garage. That went over really well. $2000 worth of china dolls lived in boxes, in the double locked garage for over a month.

Bess said...

oh, lord, yes. Eminem is a hot dude. I suspect, like me, you rap like a mofo when no one is around. :)

I knew there was a reason I didn't like yogurt.

Funky Little Earthchild said...

Bess - damn straight! Grab my crotch, too!

Anonymous said...

I'm not afraid of clown but I can't stand them. They're loud, obnoxious and have no problem getting in one's face. If one comes too close I want to punch it. I doubt I'll ever watch Polterguist thanks to this blog.

I'll never look at yogurt the same way again either.

I love MM too. His was the first CD I ever bought myself. And Bowie? Ever since I saw Labrynth. My mom never liked him because he wore makeup, so he became a guilty pleasure.

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